Golf – the name of the sport should be another four letter word starting with F, but that word was already taken. I am not a good enough golfer to write any advice, or help or comments about golf, so I decided to write about
made up stuff. It is easier. Chris Wilder and J. Bonasia were big contributors, or rather Chris is big, J. contributed.
- 600 yard drives – How dumb do they think we are?
Advertisements for golf clubs, especially drivers “promise” 10 – 20 yards longer drives. Every Year! 20 years x 20 = 400 yards. That plus the 200 I already hit it means that if I buy the new driver I will hit the ball 600
yards.
- Shank – No discussion of funky golf terms can be complete without mentioning that ugly little “S” word — you guessed it, The Shank! Much as a no-hitter is never to be discussed with a pitcher
during a no-hit game, no golfer should ever utter the “S” word during a round, especially if another player is struggling mightily to overcome that ugliest of shots, The Shank, also known disparagingly as a Hozzle Rocket. The golfer
who hits one, is a Shankapatamus.
- Yips – The S word is very closely linked to the Y word. Also never to be spoken. Yips. This is a serious problem. Ernie Ells
6 putted from 3 feet on the first green in the 2016 Masters. The yips is a known medical condition. “Yips or the yips is the loss of fine motor skills in athletes. The condition occurs suddenly and without apparent explanation usually
in mature athletes with years of experience. It is poorly understood and has no known treatment or therapy. (How about that for a discouraging word?) Athletes affected by the yips
sometimes recover their ability, which may require a change in technique. Many are forced to abandon their sport at the highest level. The yips manifest themselves as twitches, staggers, jitters and jerks. The condition occurs most often in sports which
athletes are required to perform a single precise and well-timed action such as in playing golf.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yips
Of the afore mentioned 6 putts, Nick Faldo said it is hard to putt when you have snakes in your head.
- Flailure – One important adage was coined by non-golf enthusiast Mike Tyson: “Everybody ‘has
a plan’ until they get punched in the mouth.” That shows up in golf on a regular basis, as one bad shot leads to six more bad shots, when all that planning just evaporates as you try, desperately, to hit out of the tall grass in a hazard
you never, in a million years, “planned” to find yourself in. This event may also be called Flailure: A condition of flailing so badly over the ball that the shot, the hole and the round for that matter become an unrelenting failure.
“Overcoming Your Fear of Flailure” might be a best seller in the business world.
- LOFT – Not the degree of loft that the face of a golf club has, loft means “Lack of f*#king talent”. It
is usually the cause of Flailure.
- Float – what you yell to your ball as it is headed toward water.
- Tree wood – the club you used to hit the tree.
- Every
golf shot makes someone happy. This might need a little explaining. Since we usually bet on golf (Gambling is illegal at Bushwood), if your opponent makes a great shot he/she is happy. If your opponent makes a bad shot you are happy.
On the putting green, if your opponent putts and leaves his/her ball short of yours, you are happy because you will get a read off of their next putt. If they putt it past yours they are happy for the same reason: your next putt will show them
the line.
- Did you use enough dynamite Butch? I.e. – you just blew it past the hole (the only known Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid golf reference).
- Tentative prod
– a two footer that you leave short.
- Don’t start complaining until the ball stops rolling. Said by Jonny Miller years ago while commentating on TV.
- Found balls are better than
new ones: they know what happens if they don’t behave.
- Remember to talk to your ball – they are not very smart and don’t know what they are supposed to do – like go into the hole.
However no one else should talk to your ball. The idiots watching professional golf on TV who yell “Go in the hole.” when the shot is the drive on a 460 yard par four just confuse the ball. It is liable to go into a bunker or go out
of bounds looking for a hole to go into. Or, as John Daily said to Rick Riley, his temporary caddie who was urging John’s shot to draw, “Get your mouth off of my golf ball.”
- FIDO – What you
say after spending 5+ minutes with your cart partner trying to find a lost ball. (F*#k it, drive on)
- Stroke – Robin Williams defined this as what you think you are having after a bad shot – or a Flailure.
Everyone should right now re-look at the YouTube of Robin describing golf. It is the funniest thing ever: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pcnFbCCgTo4
- AMFYOYO – your friend hits his ball into the high grass, up a hill, where snakes might live. He hopes you will help him look for his ball (which, if found, he wouldn’t be able to hit out anyway). The appropriate response:
AMFYOYO. Adios, My Friend*, You’re On Your Own.
*Or any other MF words you prefer.Oxymoron- An easy
Par 3-
- A hack– when your divot fly’s farther than the ball
- Duffer– the only person in the world who has an unplayable lie when they tee up
- Life is a beach– hit into the sand trap
- NBA 3-pointer, or AKA Slam
Dunk– shot holed out on the fly - Lunar Landscape– unrepaired ball marks on the green
- Getting your money’s worth– many strokes
- In Jail–
deep in the trees with no shot out - Worm Burner– a shot going a long way on the ground
- 3 Quotes by the great Lee Trevino-
“you
don’t know what pressure is until you played for five dollars with only two dollars in your pocket!”
“I’m in
the woods so much I can tell you which plants are edible.”
And last but not least….” You can talk to a fade, but a
hook won’t listen!”
Any contributions to this list will be much appreciated.
Marshall Wilder
wilderm@aol.com
June 2016